Parenting and Pregnancy Brain

(Throwback pic to about two years ago)

Good news! The reason I've been so bad at blogging lately is because I've been killing it at writing in my journal! So I'm not going to apologize for my absence. Sometimes there are things I want to write about that I don't necessarily want everyone to read. For example, my insecurities as a mother - of which there are never few. It's funny how life does that to you - you move out of your parents house and you become an independent young adult, thinking you've got life figured out and are confident in your ability to conquer whatever comes your way - and then bam, a miniature you comes your way and you have to not screw them up. It's a lot of pressure. I look at Jonah and I think "He is just like me, and I remember most of my childhood, so I should be able to do ok parenting him" but then there's the fact that he's also like Kade, and I wasn't around when Kade was a kid so I have no idea how to handle that part, and then there's also the fact that Jonah is his own person with his own personality that really, I don't know much about right now, so how the heck am I supposed to know what to do there? I really only know how to parent 1/3 of him, and even then the memories of how I was as a kid are foggy so I'm just flying by the seat of my pants everyday, getting frustrated that I can't figure out how to help him not be like me - because gosh, aspire higher man. Don't be like your overly-flawed mother when you could be like... Well, almost anyone else!

So basically you've all just read my journal entries that were too personal for me to blog about, haha. But yeah. This parenting thing is not for the faint of heart. I've been panicking about the fact that Jonah is at the age where memory starts to develop and certain memories can stick around for a lifetime, so I really need to start stepping it up. Then I gave him a haircut the other day and he might as well start the second grade tomorrow for how old he looks. How is this me? I remember my parents saying that kind of garbage all the time, "you know, I'm old but I don't feel old, I still feel like I did when I was in my twenties... Blah blah blah" and now I'm saying the EXACT SAME THINGS. How is it that I have a 4 year old when I just barely got married? I only recently graduated college, right? No? Are you saying it's been 5 years since I graduated college? What? How?

Also, there were not one, not two, but several contestants on the bachelor that are younger than me. By multiple years. Also, I'm the same age as a lot of them but have had 2.5 more kids than them. Isn't that just bananas? Most girls my age are at the point in their lives where they're just starting to be comfortable enough to graduate from Panda Express to P.F. Chang's without stressing about rent money. They're out there buying whatever clothes they want - including all the popular high cut tops (that I'll never wear) because their midriffs are flat and spectacular and unscarred. And the hardest decision they have to make is which creep they'll let buy them dinner this weekend.

Right now, I'm 8.5 months pregnant, laying on the couch propped up by a billion pillows because my baby-wracked hips have decided this is my bed. My closet is filled with things I cannot wear now, and potentially will never be able to wear again - or so it seems to me right now in my enlarged, swollen state. The tough decisions I'm currently facing are which side should I sleep on to avoid the most pain, and oh yeah, what things I should do in order not to ruin another human being's entire childhood/life.

Alright, I've gotten a little too whiny. But if you've been pregnant before you will understand. The truth is this parenting gig isn't all bad. It's stressful, but it's not unbearably so. There are, of course, the moments in each day that make it all worthwhile. Like when I'm getting ready in the morning and Jonah comes in to tell me that I look pretty. Or the times that I ask him to help me with something and he says, "ok mom, no problem!" (Rare, but incredibly sweet). I really enjoy the times when I see him be his own little self - not like me - because he's really a very sweet kid under all that impatience he inherited from his mother. Like when he sits next to Millie, flipping through books and making up stories for her from the pictures. Or when he helps her take her shoes off after coming in from outside. Or when he seems heartbroken instead of angry when she doesn't want to play with him.

Ugh, I hope I don't ruin him. I know that we'll have a period in our relationship where he'll hate my guts and disregard everything I say - because Karma says I have it coming to me - but I hope it'll be short lived. I hope we're not so much alike that we just never get along! And even though, as an oldest child, it annoys me to think I will probably give him as much "oldest child" crap to deal with as I had, I hope I can at least make up for it somehow, someday, having been there before. Maybe that's why Jonah, in particular, stresses me out. I always thought being born a first child would make it so I would treat all my children fairly... But turns out, I never know what the heck I'm doing with him and I gotta assume that eventually with the last kid I'll have a clue. Which means he'll suffer from oldest child syndrome just like me. I should be better than that!

Well that was a weird blog post that was kind of everywhere and didn't wrap up as smoothly as I intended but, It's 10:30 right now and I have to go to bed at some point. Plus I've already gotten a little more personal about all my flaws than I wanted to so...  In conclusion, would y'all just cross your fingers for me that Jonah never has to go through therapy because of something I did? Thanks. I'll try my hardest to be a good mom.